


I can't do this anymore, Happy

by Alexei2020



Series: Oneshot collection [9]
Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Adult Peter Parker, Eventual Romance, Feelings, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Happy Hogan is a Good Bro, Identity Reveal, M/M, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Post-Spider-Man: Far From Home, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Happy Hogan, Secret Relationship, Underage Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26250592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexei2020/pseuds/Alexei2020
Summary: It’s never going to be okay. It’s always going to be a hole in the center of his chest. A hole once filled with salt and pepper hair, a ridiculous goatee and crow feet framing wise, chocolate eyes.But it will probably be easier. Hurt a little less as time keeps ticking. Because time doesn’t stop for anyone. It’s a necessary evil that follows the rise and fall of the sun. Closing the gaping void in his heart just an inch with every day. And maybe one day, the hurting will be reduced to a gentle throb. A constant reminder of what never got to be, and maybe he’ll be able to fill the emptiness with something new.Or: Happy takes Peter to a cabin in the woods to shield him from all the hysteria that comes with having your identity and very illegal relationship with your mentor revealed on every screen in Times Square by your latest maniac supervillain.
Relationships: Happy Hogan/Peter Parker, Peter Parker/Tony Stark
Series: Oneshot collection [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877071
Comments: 2
Kudos: 43





	I can't do this anymore, Happy

*

This is not how Peter was planning to spend his eighteenth birthday. A few years ago, the plan was pretty clear. He was supposed to relax in the hut tub on Tony’s balcony, enjoy the sunset and end up sprawled out on the older man’s bed, tangled in his ridiculously expensive egyptian silk bed sheets. Of course, that was before the asshole decided to sacrifice himself.

So, he didn’t have big plans for the day, but running off to Happy because his latest supervillain decided to out his identity  _ and  _ his secret relationship with his mentor… that was not on his list of ideas.

Happy looks completely opposite of the emotion his name is based on when he crawls through his window, but thankfully, he doesn’t question anything. He just barks some orders about changing clothes and meet him in the garage. It’s the only time Peter has ever needed the extra stash of clothes Tony forced him to leave here.  _ For emergencies, sweetheart.  _

He hasn’t paid much attention to his body since Tony died, and it shows in the way his clothes from two — err,  _ seven  _ years ago — clings a little tighter to his skin than they used to. The t-shirt doesn’t hang loosely on his shoulders anymore, and his baggy jeans are hugging his thighs and ass in a way that would have made Tony drool.  _ If only he was here, right now. He could have fixed this mess in less than an hour. _

Happy won’t tell him where they’re going, but assures him he called his aunt to tell her he is being taken care of. Good thing Happy actually has another tone than bored and insulted while talking to May, or else she might have thought he was going to get killed. Peter certainly would have been a little concerned, if it wasn’t for his nick named Peter-tingle staying silent at the words ‘taken care of’.

Time passes in silence, Peter can’t even listen to music, because Happy ordered him to  _ use that strength of yours and crush your phone. _ Peter gets it. Happy doesn’t want to leave his life to save some kid from ruining his own. Peter hopes he knows he wouldn’t have been dragged into this if he had any other options. Like if Tony was still here.

It gets dark before Happy opens his mouth to say something. And it’s only to ask if he’s hungry.  _ There’s still a few hours left,  _ he says. Peter doesn’t want to eat. He doesn’t want to do anything. Except maybe close his eyes and escape to a time and place where his biggest concern was being caught making out in his mentor’s lab. It was a pretty big deal back then, the thought of losing Tony to a prison sentence for screwing a sixteen year old with the maturity of someone twice his age. It pales with the reality of being hunted down by every villain he’s ever crossed and police forces sending him off with S.H.I.E.L.D for a murder he didn’t commit.

*

This is not part of Happy’s job. It was never a part of his job to drive the kid around. It’s definitely not stated anywhere that he has to babysit him when the world screws him over. He would do it a million times anyway. He still gets flashes of him, beaten, broken, terrified, and not even trusting his own damn eyes. He would do just about anything to avoid anything like that happening ever again.

He spends most of the time driving thinking back to the time Peter would spend every weekend with Tony. He wants so badly to believe that the rumors are just that. He doesn’t want to ask the kid about it, afraid he’ll think Happy doesn’t trust him. Not that it would have been Peter’s fault either way. But he read somewhere, once, that victims often blame themselves.

It’s a tricky thing, and Happy’s not a therapist. He can be a friend, though. If they get stuck up in the woods together for however long it’ll take Pepper to find a solution for this, it won’t help anyone if they’re going to butt heads the whole time.

He’s brought out of his train of thoughts by Peter whimpering in the seat next to him. He’s asleep, but there are tears streaming down his face in a steady flow, his lip is trembling and his hands are gripping his knees close to his chest so tight his knuckles turn white. He should wake him, but he’s made the mistake of trying that before, and they almost drove off the highway with the force of his thrashing when he finally startled. So he’ll learn from that mistake and stop the car first.

Something deep inside of Happy is curling when he gently shakes the crying boy to rescue him from his own mind and he gets a broken  _ Tony  _ in return. He has never heard Peter refer to his boss as anything but Mr. Stark, and his thoughts automatically wander back to the rumors of his boss abusing his much too young mentee. 

He thinks maybe he’ll throw up. He needs Peter to deny this. Why didn’t he deny it when he first showed up? Shouldn’t that have been the first step? This is Peter, he would never want to destroy Tony’s reputation like that. He shakes him again, a little firmer. Those sobs are too painful to listen to. The kid is too young. He shouldn’t be tortured by his own brain like this.

The car thankfully stays on the tires on the road when Peter eventually jumps awake. There’s a haunted look in his eyes when he looks at Happy. Not that different from the one he found himself on the receiving end of just a few months back when he had to pick him up in the Netherlands. He hates that look, and he hopes his own expression is a comforting one when he asks about him and Tony.

*

Peter figures there’s no point in lying. Happy looks like he already pieced it together, and just needs the confirmation. They would have gone public by now anyway if Tony hadn’t decided that dying on that battlefield was the only option.  _ Newsflash, douchebag. I could have done it. _

Happy’s face loses all color gradually when Peter starts telling the story of how they got together. How they had flirted shamelessly for six months until Peter managed to summon some resemblance to courage and kiss the man. How they had been sneaking around and used the excuse of the fake internship to see each other. He tries to put pressure on the way they comforted each other on the bad days, the fun they had messing around in the labs. He elegantly skips how he lost his virginity and all the experiments they did in the bedroom. Happy doesn’t look like he’d take that part very well.

Judging by the way he’s currently heaving on the side of the car, it’s probably for the best. Peter’s not stupid. He knows what it sounds like from the outside. But he can’t help who he falls in love with. Peter can’t be blamed for having a thing for older men. He’s not a kid anymore. He knows what he wants. It’s not his fault he grew up fast. His brain is not some naive eighteen-year-old. Not that it matters to anyone. Somehow, it’s only the physical body’s age that counts, and not the maturity in the head, and how wrong is that?

It takes a while for Happy to collect himself enough to be able to drive again. Peter offers to take over, but  _ what kind of driver would I be if I let the passenger do my job, huh?  _ Peter wants to argue that technically, Happy’s not a driver anymore. But arguing with the man never gets anywhere.

The sky is pitch black when the car stops. He can barely see the cabin in front of them with his enhanced vision, and if it wasn’t for the fucked up setting, he would gladly have stayed behind to watch his babysitter stumble ahead blindly.

He doesn’t do that, though. Tempting as it is. He politely offers Happy his arm and guides them both to the creaky wooden steps. The sound makes his stomach twist, a flicker of a memory from the last time he was here. Maybe, if he’s lucky, the bed sheets still smell like Tony. Probably not, but he’s allowed to dream.

The key is just where he left it, and the password to let them enter is making him teary eyed. _O_ __ctober_ 6th, 2017.  _ Friday greets them when he opens the door, and he’s left standing in the entry, frozen in place. Being back here is too much. Memories of Tony chasing him with a bottle flashes through his mind. Being warmed up by his body heat under the blankets in front of the fire after a war using water as their only weapons.

*

After everything Peter told him in the car, he shouldn’t be surprised that he has been to the cabin before. The shock still hits him like a fist in the gut when Peter locates the key without even looking for it. It’s quickly shoved away for later prodding when he turns around in the hallway to find Peter standing just inside the door, a faraway look in his eyes like he’s not even present, with tears running down his cheeks. 

It’s heart shattering to look at. No matter how sick and twisted the whole thing is. Peter’s feelings are still very much real. Happy can’t even begin to decipher what’s going on in his head. But he promised himself to be a friend. So he drops his bag and takes two steps until he’s close enough to reach out to him. Peter is so far gone he doesn’t even react.

Happy grabs him by the shoulders and yanks him towards himself. It’s a little awkward, this is not something Happy’s used to dealing with, but then the boy collapses in his arms and his instincts take over.

They sit on the floor, Peter is crying his heart out and fisting Happy’s shirt so hard he rips it apart. It doesn’t matter, all he cares about at the moment is Peter, and letting him finally get to express all those bottled up emotions he has carried by himself for so long. It’s almost a year now, actually. That’s a long time walking around with all this alone.

It takes a while for the wailing, gut wrenching sobs to quiet down and the uncontrollable shaking to stop. Happy’s knees have locked and his back is aching, so maybe this would be a good time to go to sleep. At the very least move Peter to a bed. He would have offered him the master bedroom, but something tells him that room will probably haunt him even more than the entryway does.

Peter clings to Happy like a lifeline the whole way to the guest room, but manages to stumble into the bathroom while Happy hunts down clean sheets that hopefully doesn’t smell like his boss. It feels a little weird sniffing the fabrics, and Happy’s nose only picks up the fabric softener anyway, but he’s experienced Peter’s sensitive sense of smell up close, and knows how little it takes for him to pick up on the faintest trace of the cologne Tony swore to for over thirty years.

Happy can’t help but haul the boy back into his embrace when he reemerges from the bathroom. Freshly showered in Tony’s old t-shirt and pajama pants. His eyes are so hollow and empty, and Happy’s heart breaks from it. He curses Tony for letting Peter go through this. And right now, he’s not sure if he hates him more for the relationship or the self sacrifice.

Peter asks him to stay. He begs him to not be left alone. Happy doesn’t think twice before changing into his own pajamas and letting Peter settle next to him. Still clinging to him, like he would disappear if he lets go.  _ I’m not going anywhere, kid,  _ he whispers into the brown, damp curls.  _ M’not a kid. Eighteen today. _ And what kind of cruel birthday gift this is.

*

Peter never imagines Happy to be an emotional guy. But when he wakes up from a dreamless sleep for the first time in years, and gets a chance to revisit his breakdown, he’s grateful for this side of the usually stern man. It feels good to be able to talk about everything. Let it all out. Happy certainly isn’t okay with any of it, but he listens to Peter anyway.

He nuzzles a little closer to the snoring man, feeling starved of the intimacy that comes with sharing a bed with someone. Even if it is platonic. Happy’s arm wraps around him protectively, even in his sleep, and Peter suddenly wants to cry again. There’s no tears left, but the familiar knot forming in his throat doesn’t care. Trying to swallow it back down is just pointless, so he takes a deep breath, and inhales the smell of Happy’s fading cologne, and is forever thankful that it’s nothing like the expensive one Tony always wore to mask the faint smell of oil and metal that always lingered underneath.

Peter is not a calm person. He gets restless pretty quickly, and when his stomach swallows up the sound of Happy’s snoring, he takes it as an excuse to wiggle his way out of the strong grasp and make his way to the kitchen. His throat closes up when his treacherous head is expecting to find Tony humming into a steaming cup of coffee, smirking famously when he enters with his hair sticking out in every possible direction, yawning and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

He shouldn’t feel as disappointed as he does when the room is dark, cold and empty. It still feels like someone is ripping his heart out. Friday lights it up for him when he finally manages to take that weighted step over the threshold, but thankfully, she doesn’t say anything. The fridge is fully stocked. He should probably thank Pepper for that. When he one day gets the courage to meet her.

It doesn’t seem right at all, that Peter turns to dust in his lover’s arms, and the first thing he does is knock up his ex and marry her. He didn’t even get to say goodbye, because she was there, telling him it was okay to let go. It’s not okay to let the person you’re supposed to love die. 

He doesn’t look forward to eventually meeting Morgan, either. He saw her at the funeral, but couldn’t find any will power to actually talk to her. No one needed to tell him who she was. The deep brown, curious eyes was all the evidence he needed. He feels bad about his thoughts about the little girl. None of this is her fault, but still. In Peter’s perfect fantasy, she doesn’t belong.

He makes a mountain worth of scrambled eggs and bacon, with ten pieces of toast. He asks Friday to prepare the coffee when he hears Happy shuffling out of bed. He can’t even look at the machine, so having the AI being able to fix that particular task is like having some unknown responsibility lifted off his shoulders.

*

Peter is never going to not surprise Happy. He wakes up to the smell of greasy bacon, and is met with the usual cheery teen he gets weekly reports from in his voicemail. He can still see it though. The ghostly look hidden behind the glinting eyes and wide smile. But if he hadn’t seen him bare his soul to him the night before, he would have never known. Maybe the fact that Peter wears his emotions isn’t that much of a fact after all.

He still has a hard time keeping up when Peter rambles a mile a minute while still managing to stuff his mouth full of food  _ and  _ keep some decent table manners. He doesn’t understand a single word of the complicated science language he’s speaking in, and he can see, in some disturbed way, how Tony could be intrigued by the boy’s intelect.

He wants to tell him that he doesn’t need to hide anymore. That it’s okay to grieve. But the smile plastered on the teen’s face looks so genuine, it’s throwing Happy completely off course. It’s a distraction, he gets that. But it’s a damn good one. The confusion that comes with seeing a young boy who’s lost just about everything in his short lifespan, still skipping down the stairs after school, seemingly without a single care in the world, makes a lot more sense when he’s seen the true picture so perfectly hidden underneath the paint.

They play chess, after Happy cleans up the kitchen and Peter gets dressed for the day. They’re not exactly used to spending time together, so finding something they could both enjoy was not an easy feat. Happy tried telling him he would be fine with whatever but that wasn’t acceptable.  _ You’re stuck here, too, Happy, the least I can do is help you have a good time.  _

Chess with a genius is not a good time. But it’s a challenge. It’s something. Hiking in the woods with someone who would rather swing from tree to tree like Tarzan in favour of walking on the ground like normal people is a little better. Peter seems to relax a little when he can let his body loose. It puts a smile on Happy’s face listening to the ‘whoops’ and laughs as he dives and flips and flies between the branches. Even if he’s having a hard time keeping up. Or breathing in general.

They don’t mention the previous night, and a part of Happy is perfectly content with playing along as if it never happened at all. He shoves the creeping concern for Peter’s mental state to the back of his mind for now. He can examine it later, when the boy isn’t smiling at him like every other day with that mischievous glint in his eye as he wins yet another round of chess.

*

Peter always liked Happy. He admired his ability to never take anything personal, how he always takes a task with such seriousness. He enjoys being able to force the tiniest smile from the otherwise stoic man. It’s a challenge Peter welcomed to his life the first time he stepped into one of Tony’s many cars.

Now that he knows with certainty that the older man cares for him on a deeper level than some random kid he can’t get rid of, he might just like him a little more. Getting that smile to creep up and tug on the corner of his lips has definitely become a nice distraction from everything going on outside their temporary bubble out in the forest.

His plan to act as normal as possible and make the best of what they’re thrown into works pretty well during the day. Keeping his emotions in check and on hold is a skill he has great experience in, after all. They hike, throw stones in the pond behind the cabin, feed the ducks that wander onto the property every morning. Sometimes they sit in silence on the porch, reading books. Sometimes they play cards and watch the sunset. 

It works for passing the time. Happy even looks a little more relaxed at times. Peter is not about to ruin that. The man has worked his ass off for Tony most of his adult life. He deserves a break.

The problems come at night. When the ghost of Tony’s smile invades Peter’s dreams. When he’s left staring at his lover’s dying body as rough metal hands drag him away. He watches in horror as the last breath leaves with the soul that saved the world. He relives the moment those pristine, dark eyes gloss over and the soothing, blue light in his chest flutters and dies out. He’s knees give out and he falls to the ground. With no one to help him back up.

Only now, when the moment his heart shattered is haunting him in his restless sleep, Happy is there to salvage the pieces. Some nights he shakes Peter so violently he almost gets a whiplash. Other nights he’s already next to him in the bed, and wraps his strong arms around his crying body, protecting him from the past and whispering that  _ he’s here _ . He’s not going anywhere.

Peter would have felt bad for corrupting Happy’s well deserved sleep, if he wasn’t so desperate for the touches and reassuring words. He doesn’t believe it, that Happy’s not going anywhere. Everything will be sorted out eventually, and they’ll go back to their separate lives. But the soothing whispers are enough for now. He’s not about to start pondering about what his life will look like after this anyway. Keeping up the day to day facade is taking all the efforts his tired body is willing to produce.

*

Fall approaches quickly. The last bit of summer disappears behind the treetops as the sun says good night and the leaves crumble on the ground in vibrant colors. It’s beautiful, in its own way, and if it wasn’t for the reminder it brings with it, of that fateful day with reunions and loss and heartache, he might even have enjoyed it.

But Peter’s face is steadily crumbling at the edges along with the nature around them, so Happy doesn’t have time to appreciate the pretty colors. It’s like the leaves and grass and trees surrounding them are stealing the last bit of life out of the young man as they cling to their own survival. 

They still don’t talk about anything of importance. It’s a silent rule to leave the elephants in the room alone. Happy haven’t gotten any updates from Pepper about the case, other than that they’re going through all the footage Edith has recorded, and from Friday’s servers to clear Tony’s name.

Peter doesn’t ask about it, and that’s fine too. He’s still a grieving mess, even if he’s trying really hard to pretend he’s not. But after a month of combing through his messy, matted curls as he falls apart at night, that smile and fake laugh doesn’t fool him. He doesn’t have much experience in this, but he makes an effort to show Peter that he’s here. He’s here during the day, always available, should he decide he needs it, and he’s here during the night when it’s so obvious he really does.

On the one year anniversary of the blip, Peter doesn’t pretend anymore. He sits on the porch with a cup of untouched hot chocolate, a blanket draped loosely around his shoulders. He doesn’t hide the tears that steadily rolls down his cheeks. Happy doesn’t do anything. He doesn’t push him for any activities. Doesn’t force him to eat or drink the slowly cooling chocolate.

But he sits next to him. Close enough for their shoulders to bump into each other, and stared down the driveway. He lets himself feel the loss today, too. Lets his mind wander back to all the memories he shared with his close friend over the years. The good, the bad, terrifying, hilarious and absurd memories that come with trailing after Tony Stark. Iron Man. The Invincible, Incredible Iron Man.

_ I can’t do this anymore, Happy _ , he whispers sometime in the afternoon, and Happy’s heart is pulverized yet again, by the cracked voice, the empty eyes, like his entire soul poured out with the tears, and the only thing he can think is that Peter deserves so much more than the shitty cards he’s been dealt in life, causing this shell of a bubbly superhero to stare so blankly out into the void of the world.

*

Peter spends the day of his lover’s death anniversary going back through everything they did together. He gives himself permission to live through it one last time. As a proper goodbye. He can’t go on like this. He’s eighteen years old. His life has barely started, and even if Tony didn’t stupidly put on that gauntlet, even if they got their happily ever after, Peter would still have ended up alone in the end. Even if a major fight wouldn’t have claimed one of them, Tony was bound to die of old age way before Peter even would have noticed the years creeping up on him.

It’s probably for the best, that they didn’t get that far. That all they got was stolen moments in a time they couldn’t share the domestic life they dreamed about. He’s grateful for getting anything at all, but he’s struggling to survive the loss of something they never reached. Losing after knowing what it would have been like would have been impossible.  _ You can’t miss something you never knew.  _

When the sun is gone and the moon has taken her place, he leans his head on Happy’s shoulder, telling him about Tony’s plan for the future. He wants someone to know before he locks it up for good. He can feel how the man tenses as he goes through their dream, but he doesn’t shut him down. Doesn’t tell him how stupid he was for for believing it. He just hums and wraps his arm around him, letting him know it’s okay. 

It’s not. It’s never going to be okay. It’s always going to be a hole in the center of his chest. A hole once filled with salt and pepper hair, a ridiculous goatee and crow feet framing wise, chocolate eyes.

But it will probably be easier. Hurt a little less as time keeps ticking. Because time doesn’t stop for anyone. It’s a necessary evil that follows the rise and fall of the sun. Closing the gaping void in his heart just an inch with every day. And maybe one day, the hurting will be reduced to a gentle throb. A constant reminder of what never got to be, and maybe he’ll be able to fill the emptiness with something new.

Happy doesn’t even attempt to go to his own bed tonight. He doesn’t ask if Peter needs anything. He just crawls into the bed as he’s done so many nights before. Letting Peter cuddle up beside him. There’s no  _ good night  _ or  _ sleep well _ or  _ sweet dreams _ . The only thing he says is  _ I’m still here when you wake up.  _ Peter smiles. It’s not fake, not happy, but it’s gentle, thankful, and he whispers back  _ I know. _

*

Happy can’t sleep. His brain is twisting and turning around everything Peter told him. The realization that this meant more to Tony than he really wants to think about is both a dread and a relief. The fact that Tony invented time travel to get everyone back after giving up for five years suddenly makes a lot more sense. He didn’t do it for everyone. Tony didn’t risk his daughter never being born for everyone. He did it for Peter.

He defied every law of nature for a boy he intended to build a life with. A boy he had a stable, secret, illegal relationship with. More mature than any other relationship he’s ever had with anyone. Even Pepper couldn’t coach that kind of love out of him. Did she know? That she was the rescue mission to make sure Tony didn’t tip over the thin line between surviving and living? 

What Tony did is still wrong. He should have waited. It doesn’t matter how mature Peter is. Or was. He was still just a sixteen year old kid. It doesn’t count that he had to grow up too early.

But Happy has to admit, after spending so much time, so close together, it’s getting increasingly harder to look at Peter as some child who has yet to find his way in life. Because watching him struggle to come to terms with what’s left, how different everything is, he’s not looking at a kid. He’s looking at a young man with more control over his emotions than he’s ever seen with anyone else.

Maybe it’s the amount of loss throughout his young life. Maybe it’s the accident that forces him to always hold back and be aware. Maybe it’s dying in his boyfriend’s arms and coming back just in time to watch as life leaves the person you want the most. Most likely it’s a combination of all. And that’s not fair. Happy has lived twenty years longer, and he’s not even close to experiencing half the struggling Peter has.

It’s a pretty clear case, anyway. Peter’s not a kid. Not in his head, not in the eyes of the law (anymore) and Happy notices. All the reasons he can come up with to smother the slowly growing feeling inside him, all becomes invalid with every passing hour.

Maybe Tony went through the same same process. Telling himself one reason after the other why it’s a terrible idea to look at Peter that way. All the points rolling up to prove how wrong it is, just for Peter to destroy it all without even trying.

Having the honey-eyed man snuggled up against his body, sharing body heat and breathing warm air into his neck doesn’t help his desperate brain to shut down any and all inappropriate thoughts. He’s going to keep it to himself, though. Peter deserves way more than a dirty, old creep pining for him at the worst time of his life. It’s not like he would ever have a chance, anyway. Who goes from Tony Stark to him?

*

Peter’s not blind. Contrary to popular belief, he’s not as oblivious as he looks. He just chooses to ignore a lot of things that don't pique his interest. Like MJ looking at him a certain way back in high school. Or the jealousy radiating off of Flash. He’s not stupid. He knows how people work. It’s a pretty crucial part of being the friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man. 

So the extra careful glances Happy’s sending his way doesn’t actually go over his head. He recognises that look. It doesn’t mean he’s going to do anything about it. Happy deserves more than being treated as some rebound by a horny teenager.

They still sleep in the same bed. It just seems easier, because even if Peter decided almost two months ago to put an end to his grieving, he still has nightmares. But his once over sensitive and very responding body has started to notice the other man in his bed in a different way, which is resulting in some awkward mornings trying to hide a massive tent in his pajama bottoms as he shuffles into the bathroom.

He’s not alone in embarrassing wake up calls, though. He’s felt the older man’s proud equipment against his thigh more than once while being draped over him like an octopus. They don’t mention it, Happy’s hammering heart is plenty enough confirmation of the unintentional attention. At least he doesn’t need to worry about aging wrong.

Peter is willing to let all of this stay as platonic as possible. They’ve been holed up together in their little hideout for three months. Three months of tears, fake smiles, silent thank you’s and rescue missions from night terrors. Three months of meaningless banters, movie marathon commentaries, pretending to not go crazy with the same view and scenery outside the window and experimenting with old recipes found in dusty cook books.

They were bound to cross some hiccups. If surprise boners and jerking off in secret is how they deal with it, then… it could be worse. Peter’s pretty sure Happy knows he’s not the only one struggling. It’s all good. They’re fine. They’ve survived together for this long. How much time does Pepper need to clear up the mess they left behind, anyway? She’s been dealing with Tony’s crap for years. One would think she’d learned something.

If only Peter could get hold of a phone. Or bribe Friday to tell him what’s happening. He knows Happy’s talking to the outside world. He’s even talked to May. Telling her that  _ yes, he’s doin’ fine _ and  _ no, he hasn’t driven me crazy yet _ and  _ of course I’m making him do the homework you send over _ . The last one is a lie. He tried that exactly once, and got a very distinctive raised eyebrow in return. No way is Peter spending his time on the run from the law reading about physics. That’s just not happening. He can start college when everything is back to normal.

*

Christmas sneaks up on them without a single attempt of a hint. But that’s just what happens when you don’t get all the hysteria from the outside, Happy muses as he looks down at his calendar. Happy hasn’t made a big deal of it after he started working for Tony. It was never a favourite of his anyway, and tailing a billionaire at some shady casino was always a welcomed distraction to the stressed moms and busy workers running around on the streets. The last ten years or so, he spent it back at SI, pretending to do important security work while eating the very delicious dinner Pepper sent to him.

He doesn’t know how Peter used to spend the holidays. He grew up in a home struggling to make ends meet, with an aunt who can’t scramble eggs to save her life. But they have a close bond that tells him that maybe it would be their favourite holiday regardless. Peter doesn’t care about money or gifts of any kind, that much Happy pieced together a long time ago, after Tony spend a good thirty minutes whining about being refused to upgrade his mentee’s closet or buy him a new computer so he didn’t have to use the one he built from scraps found in dumpster. 

If Tony really loved him, why would he go to the lengths of destroying his pride like that? Maybe it’s just Tony’s ego not willing to step down. It drove him mad, that’s for sure, Happy remembers as he sits by the fireplace, listening to Peter making hot chocolate in the kitchen.

At least, maybe they can enjoy a good meal. Have Pepper send something special with the next delivery. They’ve experimented a lot in the kitchen these past months, desperate for something to do, so they wouldn’t go crazy. Happy will never admit it to anyone, but it’s his favourite part of the day, watching Peter go over a recipe with such dedication, stealing glances as he hums along with some song Friday has playing in the background as he cuts the groceries and prepares everything. 

Maybe he can ask her to get a small gift to Peter, too. Nothing big or expensive, but something meaningful. Something to let Peter know that Happy appreciates him. That he’s not just some assignment to be forgotten once the mission is over. They’ve spent so much time together now, been so close and shared so many intimate details about each other, without really talking. Leaving him and going their separate ways just doesn’t seem possible at this point. Even Happy’s messed up, sick brain can live with having Peter as a close friend, if nothing else, because not having him at all… that just won’t do.

He doesn’t want to bring Peter back to his previous state of mind with his gift, but he feels like it’s a good statement to show him that he understands how he feels. That his emotions are valid. But it’s risky. Peter has been doing better after their moment on the one-year anniversary.

It obviously did him so good, being able to let it all out, have someone to share everything with. It’s still rough, but the smiles are more often genuine now. He’s slowly letting the walls crumble and setting the past free.

Peter has a gift for him too. And spends at least fifteen minutes apologising for not having bought anything. That’s another thing Happy just can’t help smiling about. Peter keeps apologising for things he can’t possibly have any control over. Of course he didn’t get to buy anything. He’s been stuck, in solitude with no contact with the outside world. He doesn’t even have a phone. And Happy would never expect him to get anything, anyway. But he’s handed a plain, white envelope with his name scribbled across the center in neat, spiky letters.

He’s written him a letter. A heartbreaking one, at that. Opening himself completely about his feelings, the hurt, the guilt, how he misses his old life. Happy almost doesn’t finish it. It’s so pure and honest and he doesn’t understand why Peter would tell him all of this.

_ I’m so sorry for dragging you into this. But there’s no one else I would rather go through this path with. I am not some naive kid, I know what I want. And I want the man who left his life behind to protect my sorry ass. I am so grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I understand if you don’t want me like the way I want you. But I wanted you to know. I’m yours if you want to see if we could be more than the close friends we’ve become. Thank you for being here for me and helping me understand that life goes on. I don’t think I could have done it without you. _

_ Peter _

*

Happy looks a little confused as he reads through the letter. It’s probably not the best gift, to offer himself so openly, but Peter didn’t want to ruin everything by just throwing himself at the man. It seemed safer to write it all down instead. Making sure there’s no pressure on Happy. Peter’s nervous rambling would have ruined any chance to get the point across, anyway.

How he even managed to end up with Tony is a miracle. He can’t remember being this nervous back then. And there was definitely a lot more at stake with him. But then again, this feels different from what he and Tony went through in the beginning. Tony was openly flirting with him. They had a thing going on for ages. Happy has been trying really hard not to show how he reacts to Peter. 

Happy doesn’t say anything at first. And the silence stretches for so long, Peter is just about to get up and leave the man alone for a while to figure out how to let him down gently. He should have mentioned somewhere that he doesn’t break that easily, maybe. 

But then he looks up at Peter with a smile and opens his arms for Peter to crawl into his embrace. It’s wonderful. Almost magical how the relief washes over him, even if they’ve spent the majority of the nights wrapped in each other’s arms. It’s different this time. It’s not just to chase away all the madness. It’s acceptance. It’s sharing something special. Something new in a familiar way. Peter lets the man’s warmth envelope him as he stares down at the neatly wrapped gift still in his hands. He’s been so busy waiting for a rejection, he totally forgot about the small, squared present he got in return for his letter. 

The tears come without warning when he looks down at the framed picture. Tony’s looking at him with such amusement and love, Peter is hit with a pang of nostalgia. He remembers this. The way he had crossed his eyes to glare at the whipped cream on the tip of his nose. He has no idea where the picture comes from, or how Happy got it, but he loves it. He laughs at the memory as it floods his mind, it’s a wet, strangled sound mixed with salty tears, but it feels good to not be overwhelmed by grief as he tells the story to Happy.

Going to bed that night is awkward, to say the least. But Peter is determined to make it feel as natural and familiar as possible. He goes about his routine the same way as every other night, and tells Happy exactly that. Nothing has to change. They don’t have to rush anything. But he can’t help but tip his head to study Happy’s face once he’s comfortable under the covers, resting on his shoulder. He lets one hand trace the older man’s cheek and jaw. Keeping his movements slow and steady. Giving Happy enough time to back down if he decides to change his mind.

He doesn’t. He leans into the touch and his eyes have a new kind of fondness to it as he studies Peter back. It makes Peter smile, and he closes the gap between their lips. It’s gentle, testing. Happy’s lips are chapped, but experienced in the way they move in sync with Peter’s. There’s a new kind of warmth spreading in Peter’s chest as he lets himself lose in the intimacy. It’s so unlike Tony, and it’s a relief that the way Happy’s breath mixes with his own doesn’t bring back any memories. 

_ This is good _ , he thinks, as he trails his fingers down Happy’s neck and lets his hand rest on his chest.  _ This is new. _

*

New years eve comes as sneakily as Christmas did, but the expensive champagne Pepper has sent up is a quiet reminder of what’s coming. Happy wonders if they’ll be able to see any fireworks out here. They’re a long way from any kind of civilisation, but if the sky stays as clear as it has been for the last three days, then maybe they get to see the sparkles littering the sky, welcoming a new start with false promises and too much alcohol. 

Peter digs up a very intricate recipe for beef wellington, stating he doesn’t want to ruin his fondness for turkey by destroying it on his first attempt. Which is fine. Happy’s not picky. They spend most of the day trying to get it right, and ends up covered in flour at one point, egg whites dripping off the counter and Peter running away on the ceiling laughing after throwing milk at Happy’s shirt. 

Happy promised Peter he’d be able to call May. They haven’t talked since Happy drove off with him, and it’s pretty clear they miss each other tremendously. They’ve probably not spent this much time apart ever. Peter understands, though. Why they haven’t been able to talk earlier. Happy doesn’t, but Pepper told him straight away that Peter shouldn’t talk to anyone, and Peter, being who he is, just accepted it without argument. Maybe Pepper is just scared Peter will share a little too much information with his aunt, and inevitably ruin Tony’s reputation for good. 

Peter is a good guy, he won’t hurt a fly no matter how pesky the fly is. May on the other hand. That’s a force you don’t want to get on the wrong side of. If she ever found out about Tony and Peter, hell would rise and not even the strongest defenders of earth would be able to do anything about it. She’s terrifying on a level Happy didn’t know existed. And he’s really not looking forward to calling her, after what he and Peter have done the last week. He’s definitely not looking forward to meeting his doom the day they tell her about their recent relationship change. 

But he gave his word to Peter, so he’ll let him talk to her. He swore he wouldn’t give away any crucial information or tell her about anything that may compromise anything.  _ I just need to know she’s safe, y’know.  _ Happy gets that. Peter’s worry about everyone on his behalf is suffocating at times. How he believes he’s the cause of everyones misery just by being present in their lives. 

But there are a few guys who've been going after May in the last couple of months, trying to lure Peter out of hiding. It’s all been taken care of before anything could happen, though. Pepper has her best security watching both May and Peter’s closest friends. 

There’s still not a lot of progress in the case, everywhere Pepper looks, it seems she’s getting more evidence to prove Beck’s case. In the case of Tony’s reputation anyway. So Pepper knows what happened between them, and it broke her when she stumbled upon the first security tape. Happy doesn’t blame her, but he thinks maybe her focus should be on clearing Peter’s name instead. Tony’s dead. Peter’s not. 

Peter cries when he talks to his aunt. And they talk for a good two hours, telling each other about what’s going on in their lives. Peter tells her how he’s been experimenting in the kitchen, and how he keeps beating Happy in chess, and in return May talks about how her charity work is going, how she’s gotten close to Pepper and how adorable Morgan is. Happy can see how Peter’s nose scrunches at the mention of Tony’s family, and he wants to kiss the frown between his eyes away. 

He doesn’t do that, though. Not while Peter’s still on the phone with his very dangerous relative. But when they finally hang up, Peter doesn’t waste any time climbing up into Happy’s lap and burying his face in his neck. Whispering between sobs that he wants to go home. He wants to have his life back. 

Happy doesn’t know how that’s ever going to be a possibility. Even when they manage to clear up the murder charges, the world still knows who Spider-Man is. His anonymity is gone. And because of the accords, he’ll have to retire if he doesn’t sign the stupid thing, which, if Happy has learned anything, Peter won’t do. Not in a million years. He can’t sit around and wait for clearance before he dives into a burning building, or jumps in front of a car out of control. 

It’s not going to be easy, going back. Nothing’s the same, and Peter’s life has changed to a point where going back is just not happening. But Happy’s going to be there. Every step of the way. Until Peter doesn’t want him around anymore. Terrifying aunt be damned. 

*

Peter gets one glass of champagne, with the promise to not tell anyone. He doesn’t know who he’d be snitching to, but he swears it’ll be their secret anyway. He gets an amused smile though, as Happy hands him the glass and winks.  _ That’s new,  _ he thinks, but saves the image for later. He’s definitely going to make that happen again. 

They share the glass of very expensive alcohol out on the porch, trying to catch glimpses of any fireworks. None of them knows if they’ll be able to see any at all, but it would just be sad if they missed any of the colors lighting up the sky because they didn’t bother checking.

It’s a nice night, not too cold, with Peter placed securely in Happy’s lap, both wrapped in a warm blanket. Peter definitely doesn’t regret writing that letter now, when he can sit so comfortably cuddled up with the older man, and feel so protected, watching the stars he can’t see even from the highest skyscraper in New York. 

They share a midnight kiss, but only because Peter insists on it. It’s a tradition, after all, one he never got to share with his previous lover. It’s a nice change, even if Happy says he doesn’t really believe in traditions. Maybe Peter can persuade him to make some with him. If they last long enough, that is.

It’s been good, this last week. It was good before that too, despite everything, but it’s still way too soon to start talking about the future. And Peter likes that Happy doesn’t push it on him the way Tony did. He enjoys the day to day life they have. Learning each other, getting to know what works and what doesn’t in their own little bubble. 

The bubble isn’t exactly voluntary, but at least they’re making the best of it. It’s not a big change from before. They still sit in silence and read, or cuddle up on the couch in front of the fire. Happy is still trying to win a round of chess, threatening to whack Peter in the head with the board if he goes easy on him. 

But there’s no awkward boners anymore. Which is a relief. They can take care of each other and acknowledge the state they’re in when they wake up in the morning or after a little too filthy kiss in the kitchen while waiting for the coffee machine to finish up. 

He doesn’t look forward to telling May about it, and he can tell Happy doesn’t either. At least they can get killed by her together when they finally make their way back home. Peter made it crystal clear a few days ago, that he isn’t interested in another secret relationship. There’s no reason to hide. But they can spend the rest of their time in the woods figuring everything out. Happy didn’t even hesitate before he agreed. 

*

January comes and goes, same with february, and valentines is just another normal day. By March Peter is vibrating with spent up energy, and is pacing on the ceiling. Ready to go back home, face whatever mess Pepper obviously can’t handle on her own and just start his life all over. 

Happy watches as he scratches his head, talking to himself, trying to come up with ideas to keep May safe, possibilities for online school and how to clear his name. Happy has other ideas though. First in line is calling Pepper, and ask her what the hell is taking so long. Edith has the original footage of what happened with Beck. It can’t be that hard to shuffle it all into a memory stick and send it off to the NYPD. Or S.H.I.E.L.D. Whoever is handling the case. 

Pepper, of course, is still trying to cover up for Tony. The evidence in that particular case is apparently overwhelming. But it’s not a police matter. Tony is still dead. Peter is legal. The only ones suffering from that is Pepper herself, Morgan and the company. But the company is still doing well, because  _ Tony is dead.  _ He’s not the owner anymore. 

Happy tells her exactly that. That Peter has to become a priority. And if Pepper won’t help, then maybe it’s time for them to come home so Happy can go over everything himself. He can keep Peter safe in his apartment too, at least he could reunite his boyfriend with his last living relative, because the sadness coating the young man’s features that grows with every phone call, that won’t go away until they’re back in each other’s arms. 

  
  


Pepper sounds relieved to not have the police breathing down her neck, and Peter is packing up what little he brought with him before Happy has finished explaining the situation. There’s a beaming smile and a very distinctive bouncing coming from the brown-haired man as he shuffles around, making sure the cabin looks exactly the way it did when they arrived, despite Happy telling him repeatedly that there will be people coming to clean the place after they leave.

The drive back is filled with the same amount of silence as the drive up seven months ago, but it’s not filled with an unknown tension or dread for the truth, that hung in the air when they ran away from the chaos that interrupted their lives. Instead there’s an unmistakable glow coming from Peter as he taps his fingers on the dashboard, filling the car with anticipation and excitement. 

They do discuss what to tell May when they get back. Happy thinks maybe it’ll be best if they ease her into it, but Peter, knowing his aunt is adamant that ripping off the bandaid is the way to go.  _ She’s not stupid, Hap. She’ll figure it out and murder us both on the spot if we don’t tell her.  _ Happy isn’t so sure he’ll survive either way. 

*

Someone’s been in Happy’s apartment and cleaned up all the dust collecting for over six months, and emptied out the fridge. Probably a good thing, Peter muses. His nose doesn’t take kindly to food growing new limbs. There’s no question where he’ll be sleeping, and if it was, Peter made that decision without asking for advice when he drops his backpack on the foot of Happy’s bed. 

Happy didn’t stay long before he went back out to get groceries, and take away. Months without thai food from Peter’s favourite place down in Queens is way too long. But they’ve been working so hard to improve their culinary skills, so going back to living on cardboard container food would just be a waste. 

Peter couldn’t come with him, Happy’s paranoia from working as a bodyguard kicking in the second they crossed the city line. So Peter wanders around in the clean, bare apartment. He’s been here before, but hasn't cared enough to take in what it actually looks like. It’s boring. White walls, not a single picture showing off family or friends of any kind. The couch looks like it’s been standing untouched in the corner for years, and all the supplies in the kitchen are the same, boring cheap sets from IKEA.  _ It doesn’t look like he’s even living here. _

The only thing that resembles any kind of personality is a pair of beat, worn boxing gloves hanging on the wall above Happy’s bed. Peter takes a moment to admire them, imagining them clinging to Happy’s protective hands, shielding his face. He definitely needs to bring Happy to a boxing gym. 

Peter wants (needs) a new identity, if only to apply for online colleges. He’s bored out of his mind, and back in the city, he can’t even get some frustration out by swinging in the woods. It should probably concern him how easy it is for SI to fix him up with new papers and a backstory. But Tony Stark was never one to truly follow the law if he didn’t want to. 

Ben Reilly. That’s his new name. And looking at the picture on his ID, he’s apparently blond. Peter’s never even been close to any kind of accessories for his hair that isn’t hair gel, and even that is a born disaster whenever he tries to tame his curls. The smell is so overwhelming he almost passes out from the intensity, but Happy keeps him hydrated while the bleach works on his locks, and helps him get it out when Peter can’t even bend over the bathtub without getting dizzy. 

He gets a pair of glasses, and at least that’s a sort of familiarity. They don’t serve any purpose other than obscuring his appearance should he show up on any cameras, but he can walk outside. He can spend some time in the library while Happy’s trying to work out everything with the police. 

_ I don’t like it _ , Happy whispers one night, letting his fingers tug gently at the blond strands on top of Peter’s head while they lay in bed. Peter can’t really argue. He wonder’s what May’ll think when she sees him at dinner the next day. 

*

Peter doesn’t look like himself at all, after the small changes done to him to make him unrecognizable to the public. Happy has to beg him to take the damn glasses off when he comes home and finds Peter on the couch in front of the laptop. They don’t serve any purpose inside the safety of the apartment, but Peter says he has to get used to wearing them. Which is fair, but Happy still doesn't like it.

The laptop is for studying only, but he has access to the internet, and it takes exactly ten minutes from he receives it, before he’s breaking down from all the news and rumors spread about him.  _ Didn’t Tony ever tell you not to google yourself? Idiot. _

He soaks Happy’s shirt with salty tears and snot, and when he manages to calm down, Happy has to snag the laptop away before it ends up in a million pieces on the other side of the wall. 

May is living with Pepper and Morgan, in her own apartment at Stark Tower. They’ve grown close over the months, and Happy is perfectly okay with the woman being happily oblivious to SI’s CEO caring so little for her nephew’s well being. No need to complicate everything even more. She understands that she can’t bring Peter back to their own apartment just yet, and thanks Happy profusely for taking such good care of him.  _ Yeah, we’ll see about that when we tell you just how close I am to your “son”... _

She cries when Peter opens the door for her. And then Peter cries when she wraps him up in a hug that would have crushed his bones if it weren’t for his hidden strength. It’s heartwarming, and Happy, surprisingly, gets the same treatment. Happy wonders, for a second, if the strength Peter hides is from the spider bite at all, or just some twisted family trait. 

Happy shouldn’t be so baffled by the maturity Peter shows when he starts telling May about his relationship with Tony, he knows very well how much of an adult he is when he wants to be. Or needs to be. It helps that he doesn’t act like a starstrucked kid, and puts pressure on how  _ wrong  _ it actually was. 

May still looks ready to knock Happy’s teeth out when the story telling shifts to how they got together. But she — thankfully — keeps her fists to herself, stuffing her mouth with the chicken Peter spent the whole day preparing. She doesn’t approve, she’s not the tiniest bit okay with it. But Peter, again, tells her there’s nothing she can do. He’s eighteen, almost nineteen, and it’s not like Happy looked at Peter that way before they ended up at the cabin anyway.  _ He’s not some creep, May. These things happen.  _

She doesn’t even bother with an awkward shovel talk. 

*

Peter goes to dr. Strange. They’re not exactly friends, but the man knows magic, and Peter is desperate. He misses his life. He wants his anonymity back. He wants to hang out with his friends again. And he wants the police to back the hell away. 

Dr. Strange, apparently, has been expecting him for a long time. And says he’ll do what he can  _ if you help me out if and when I might need you in the future. _ And, yeah, Peter might be an adult, but who turns down the opportunity to work with an actual wizard? That’d be insane.

Everyone except May and Happy forgets who Spider-Man is. The murder charges disappear, but Strange doesn’t bother with the Tony-mess. The man is dead. His reputation doesn’t matter anymore. Pepper can deal with that for as long as she lives if she wants to. It doesn’t put Peter in a bad light. The public looks at him as a victim, and it’ll pass on it’s own after a while. 

_ You should have come earlier.  _ Yeah, because that was Peter’s first thought when his face was lighting up the whole of Times square in the middle of the day. At least it’ll be okay now. Happy will still know everything that happened, there’s no changes in the history, except every trace of Spider-Man’s identity being erased from the public eye and mind. 

Peter still disappeared for a long period of time, the reason being the hysteria of Tony Stark possibly abusing him. Peter can live with that. He doesn’t waste any time, and is changed into his suit before even leaving Dr. Strange, and spends the rest of the day swinging from building to building, relishing in the adrenaline as he dives from a skyscraper, yelling and laughing as he free falls and catches himself on a web just in time. 

_ It’ll be okay.  _

  
  



End file.
